I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
