This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
