While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i love accidental penises.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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