I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
