He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
