it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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