the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
