I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
