I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
