It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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