An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
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