I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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