Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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