hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
