Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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