I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
