I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
