haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
