Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
