Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
