I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
