Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Randomize
