smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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