Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
