Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
