I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
