Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
