God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Found your dick twin last night
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
