Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
