I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
