no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
