Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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