ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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