he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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