I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
