Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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