i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
They have beer where we have blood.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
