Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
