I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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