Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
