I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
