I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
