you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
