we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
