I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
