I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He felt like a one man threesome
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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