Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
