So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
