did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
