before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
