apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
