guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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