I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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